Hey y’all — a founder buddy reached out to me this week.

His business is doing really well. Growing, profitable, big enough to support him the rest of his life. The kind of company you'd want to be building.

But he wasn't calling about any of that.

He was calling because another founder in his orbit was making his life harder than it needed to be. And it was getting under his skin.

He came to me because “he knew I’d get it.”

And… I do get it. When someone wrongs you, the instinct is to do something about it. You want to call them out and tell everyone. You want to set the record straight.

But my advice to him was pretty boring: be patient, deal with this particular situation rationally, and don't let how you feel change how you act.

This week I want to talk about why that boring advice is right…

There's a scene in Game of Thrones that comes to mind here.

Tyrion goes to Varys wanting revenge on the person who tried to have him killed. Varys tells him that kind of revenge requires influence, which Tyrion doesn't have at the moment.

Then Varys tells him the story of the sorcerer who mutilated him as a boy and threw him out to die. Varys didn't go after him. He just survived. He begged, he stole, and eventually made his way all the way to the influential “small council” of the king.

He said "influence is largely a matter of patience, I have found... Influence grows like a weed."

Then he pops open a crate he's been working on the whole conversation. The captured sorcerer is inside.

Ok, that's an overly extreme example. Please don't put anyone in a crate lol.

But the point is oddly true. Varys never had to announce anything. He just kept building, and the opportunity eventually, and quietly, came around to him.

Based on what he told me, my buddy had a right to be angry.

The situation he described was odd to say the least, and seemed like bad-intentioned behavior on the part of the other person.

That conversation brought us a lot closer. We're better friends now than we were a week ago.

And the other founder has no idea any of it happened.

But now two people who talk to a lot of other founders have a shared perspective on how this person operates. Neither of us will ever name and shame them publicly. But when their name comes up, and in this world it always comes up eventually, we'll both remember.

That's how the startup world actually works. It’s DMs, private calls, and groupchats.

I’ve been there myself. In my case, I kept moving forward. I've never said a bad word about the person publicly. No subtweets or snarky comments.

But every so often, someone asks me privately what I think.

I never bring it up proactively. And when someone does ask, I always lead with the caveats. I tell them it was a while ago, that people change and I genuinely can’t speak to anything more recent, and I’m not totally innocent either. Then I share my experience honestly.

Is that fair? They aren’t there to make their own case. But the person asking did so directly, and lying to them feels worse especially if there are real stakes on their end.

This isn't really a lesson about what to do when you're wronged. It's about not being the person who does the wronging.

Because every founder you treat badly could be the same way right back. Patient, rational, never saying a word publicly. And honest when someone asks.

You won't see it happen. There's no notification when you lose an investor, a hire, or an intro over a conversation you weren't part of.

But the startup world is small.

Just act like everyone else is in a groupchat you’re not a part of… they sort of are.

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